Manosphere Sex Advice for Men Debunked
There’s an entire ocean of content out there teaching men about sex and women — and a huge amount of it is written by people who have clearly never made a woman orgasm in their lives. The worst part? A lot of it isn’t just wrong. It’s actively torching the thing men want most: her desire for them.
So this week, I’m grading five pieces of the advice men are being fed online — straight A through F, like a report card. I’m brutal about the advice. I’m kind to the men who got handed it, because for generations nobody gave men an honest, shame-free place to learn this stuff, so they went where the confidence was loudest.
Here’s what I break down:
- Why “make her chase you” builds an anxious woman, not an attracted one — and why anxiety is the number one killer of desire
- The manosphere’s obsession with size and pounding harder — and the anatomy that makes it all backwards
- The lab study proving women aren’t “slower” to warm up (she hits peak arousal about as fast as you do)
- The grain of truth in “alpha” advice — and the part that shuts her body down completely
- Why chasing a marathon in bed creates the exact problem it’s terrified of
And then I give you the one thing every single piece of this advice has in common — the root lie underneath all of it. Once you see it, you’ll never fall for any of this again. Every one comes with the real fix and something you can actually use tonight.
Savage on the advice. Kind to the men. And built to make the sex better, starting tonight.
Read the full transcript below:
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Bad Sex Advice for Men: A Sex Educator Grades the 5 Worst Myths Transcript
From the Talk Sex With Annette podcast. A sex and intimacy educator breaks down the five most common pieces of bad sex advice men get online — from “make her chase you” to the size myth — and explains what actually builds desire and pleasure instead.
There is an entire ocean of content out there aimed at men, promising to teach them about women, about sex, and about how to be wanted. A huge amount of it is written by people who clearly never made a woman finish in their lives. And men are drowning in it, because for generations nobody gave men a real, honest, shame-free place to learn about this stuff, so they went where the confidence was loudest.
Some of that loud advice is actively making your sex and intimacy life worse. So in this episode I grade five of the most common pieces of it like a report card, straight A through F — where an A means it’s actually solid, a C means there’s a kernel of truth buried in some nonsense, and an F means it’s torching your intimate life and you need to unlearn it starting tonight. I’m brutal about the advice, but not about the men who were handed it, because if you believed some of these, you’re in enormous company.
Stick around to the end, because after all five I reveal the one thing every piece of this bad advice has in common — the root lie underneath all of it.
Bad Sex Advice #1: “Make Her Chase You”
The grade: F.
You’ve seen this one everywhere. The advice says the way to keep a woman interested is to stay a little distant — text back slow, never show you’re too into her, keep her guessing, and she’ll chase you forever. It gets dressed up as confidence, high value, and abundance.
Here’s why it fails, and this is the part that matters most for your actual intimate life: anxiety is the number one killer of desire. When you run the cold, withholding, make-her-chase script, you’re not making her want you. You’re making her anxious about you. And an anxious woman is not lying awake wanting to jump you — she’s lying awake wondering if you’re losing interest, replaying your last text, feeling insecure and on guard. That’s the exact opposite of the relaxed, safe, turned-on state a woman’s body needs to want sex and enjoy it. You engineer suspicion and stress, and then wonder why she’s never in the mood. She’s watching you, not craving you. The spark you built was cortisol, and cortisol does not get anybody into bed.
The research on long-term desire backs this up: the single biggest driver of a woman staying attracted to her partner isn’t mystery or distance at all — it’s feeling that her partner is responsive and present. Warmth is what sustains desire. The cold, distant act might create a jittery spark for a week or two, but it’s poison to the thing you actually want, which is a woman who’s genuinely hot for you six months in.
What to do instead: Do the opposite of the script. When you think about her, tell her. When you want to see her, say so. Text back when you actually want to, not on some fake three-hour delay. Being genuinely, openly interested in a woman is not low value — it’s the rarest and highest-value thing there is, because so many men have been told to hide it. Confidence isn’t pretending you don’t care. It’s caring openly and not being afraid of what she thinks about it.
Bad Sex Advice #2: “It’s All About Size and Pounding Harder”
The grade: F.
This is the whole manosphere gospel, and it’s everywhere: that it all comes down to your equipment and your engine, that bigger wins, that the goal is harder and deeper and faster, and that going like a machine for as long as possible is what makes you a legend. It puts one body part at the dead center of the entire universe — and it’s not hers.
The research embarrasses this one on every front. On size, study after study shows that when women are asked their preferred partner size, they land on an average of around six and a half inches — nothing like the monster the internet sells. And studies consistently find that width matters more to sensation than length, because the outer third of the vaginal canal is where most of the nerve endings are. The deep, hard obsession is aimed at a place with fewer nerve endings and less sensitivity.
Here’s the part that should really land: going harder and deeper isn’t just missing her pleasure, it can genuinely cause her pain, because driving deep into her on a body that isn’t fully warmed up hurts. So the “harder is better” advice is often making sex physically worse for her while the guy thinks he’s a hero.
But here’s the anatomy fact that dismantles the whole myth: 70 to 80 percent of women do not reliably orgasm from penetration alone — at any size, at any speed, for any length of time. Her pleasure was never living where these guys are aiming. A man can have the exact body they’re selling, do everything they say, and still leave her with nothing, because the entire framework is built around the wrong body part.
What to do instead: This is the best news in the whole episode, because it takes you off the hook for the two things men are most insecure about. Your size doesn’t decide this, and your endurance doesn’t decide this. What decides it is whether you use everything else. Stop treating one body part as the star of the show and start treating your hands, your mouth, and a toy as equal players. Give her direct, dedicated attention where her pleasure actually lives, as the main course and not an afterthought. The man who does that beats the guy with the “perfect” body every single time, because he’s playing the right game.
Bad Sex Advice #3: “Women Are Just Slower to Warm Up”
The grade: F.
You’ve heard this one everywhere. Women are just slower, it takes them forever, their bodies are on a different clock — so a guy either has the patience of a saint or he doesn’t, and there’s not much he can do about it. It gets treated as settled biological fact.
Here’s the surprising research that earns it an F: when scientists measured physiological arousal in a lab, they found women reach peak physical arousal in about 10 minutes on average — roughly the same as men. She is not on a slower clock. Her body is not the problem. What’s actually happening is that the 10 minutes she needs are usually being spent on the wrong things, or skipped entirely, because most sex is built around getting to intercourse as fast as possible.
And here’s how believing this myth wrecks the actual intimacy you’re trying to build. A man who has decided his partner is just slow stops paying attention. He waits it out, going through the motions, watching the clock instead of watching her — and she can feel every second of that checked-out impatience, which yanks her right out of her body. So the belief becomes self-fulfilling: he’s convinced she’s slow, so he phones in the warm-up, so she never gets there, which “proves” she’s slow. Meanwhile her body was ready to do its job in about the same time his was.
What to do instead: Give her a genuine 10 minutes of focused, present, unhurried attention before intercourse is even on the table — mouth, hands, her whole body, no rushing toward the next thing. Treat those 10 minutes as the main event, not the toll booth before it. The research is clear that more time building arousal raises her odds of finishing. She was never slow. The warm-up was just being skipped.
Bad Sex Advice #4: “Real Men Never Ask, They Just Take Charge”
The grade: C.
This is the whole alpha-male gospel: be dominant, take charge, never ask, never show need, never check in, because asking is weak and real men just know. It’s tricky to grade because it’s wrapped around a grain of truth that makes the poison go down easy.
The “be confident and take the lead” part earns real marks, because plenty of women genuinely do love a partner who takes charge in bed — I’ve made whole episodes about it. But the “never ask, never check in, real men just know” part gets a screaming F. Here’s how that half wrecks intimacy: the man who refuses to ask or read her ends up steamrolling past every signal her body is giving him. He does the move that worked on someone else, ignores that she’s tensing up or gone quiet in the bad way, and calls it dominance. What she actually experiences is a man who isn’t paying attention to her at all, which makes her feel unsafe and shuts her body down. You cannot dominate someone into arousal while ignoring them. The “never ask” part doesn’t make him a dom — it makes him a guy she’s enduring.
The research on what women fantasize about finds that submission fantasies are extremely common. But every study of what makes them work in real life points to the same foundation: trust, communication, and feeling safe. Dominance without that isn’t a fantasy come true — it’s just a bad experience. The safety is the thing that makes the dominance hot.
What to do instead: You can absolutely take the lead — most women love it — but do it out loud and do it watching her. Tell her what you want to do, then read her reaction before you do it. “I want to pin your hands above your head. Would you like that?” is more dominant, not less, because it proves you’re paying attention. Take charge like she’s the most interesting thing in the room, because she is. That’s the version women actually fantasize about.
Bad Sex Advice #5: “Lasting Longer Is the Whole Game”
The grade: D.
Everywhere men look, the advice is about stamina: last longer, train yourself, count backwards, numb it down — because in this framing, a man’s whole worth in bed is how many minutes he can grind away, and finishing early is the ultimate humiliation.
Control is a real skill, but this advice is obsessed with the wrong number, and chasing that number actively backfires. Here’s how it wrecks intimacy: the man fixated on lasting spends the whole time in his own head, monitoring himself, counting, gritting his teeth, doing math — which is the textbook definition of what sex therapists call spectating. He’s not present with her at all; he’s refereeing his own performance. And that self-monitoring anxiety is exactly what makes men finish faster, so the obsession creates the very problem it’s terrified of. Meanwhile she’s underneath a man who’s clearly somewhere else in his head, feeling like a piece of gym equipment he’s grinding away on.
She’s not lying there with a stopwatch. Most women aren’t finishing from penetration alone no matter how long it lasts, so 20 minutes of the thing that wasn’t going to get her there is not the flex these guys think it is. And here’s a number to put the marathon myth in perspective: when researchers asked both men and women their ideal duration for intercourse, the answer came back around 13 to 18 minutes — not the hour-long feat the internet sells. Sex therapists consider 7 to 13 minutes completely adequate. The marathon was never the assignment. Somebody made it up.
What to do instead: Move the goalpost off the clock entirely. Before things even start, decide that her pleasure and your presence are the only scoreboard, and that penetration is one part of the night rather than a timed event you can fail. Here’s the bonus most men don’t expect: when you take the stopwatch out of your head, the performance anxiety that makes men finish fast in the first place tends to ease up on its own. You get the staying power you wanted by stopping chasing it. Chase her experience, not the clock.
The Root Lie Underneath All Bad Sex Advice for Men
Here’s the one thing every piece of this advice has in common. Look at the pattern: make her chase you, pound her harder, out-size the next guy, never ask, last longer. Every single one of them points the man’s attention at himself — his performance, his equipment, his stamina, his image, his strategy.
That’s the lie. Arousal, desire, and orgasm don’t happen inside you. They happen in the space between two people who feel safe and are paying attention to each other. Every piece of manosphere sex advice fails for the identical reason: it turns you inward, onto your own performance, at the exact moment the whole thing depends on you turning outward, onto her. Any advice that has you managing your own image instead of paying attention to the actual woman in front of you is going to fail you in bed, every time.
So flip it. Get out of your head and onto her. Stop performing and start paying attention. That single move is the thing all five of these were keeping you from — and it’s the only thing that was ever going to work. The reason this garbage spreads is that men were left without anywhere honest to learn, so the loudest voices filled the gap. That’s not your fault. But you’re here now, you clearly want to be good at this, and you just got the thing none of them will sell you — because you can’t upsell a supplement or a course on top of “pay attention to her.”
Warm beats cold. Attention beats performance. Her beats the clock. Now you’re ahead of the pack.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the worst sex advice men get online? “Make her chase you” is among the most damaging, because it builds anxiety rather than attraction. Anxiety is the number one killer of desire — an anxious partner is worrying about you, not craving you. Warmth and responsiveness are what actually sustain long-term desire.
Does penis size matter for a woman’s pleasure? Research consistently finds width matters more than length for sensation, because most of the nerve endings are in the outer third of the vaginal canal. More importantly, 70 to 80 percent of women don’t reliably orgasm from penetration alone at any size — clitoral and full-body stimulation matter far more than size.
Do women really take longer to get aroused than men? No. Lab studies measuring physiological arousal found women reach peak arousal in about 10 minutes on average — roughly the same as men. The difference is that those minutes are often skipped or spent rushing toward intercourse.
How long should sex actually last? When researchers asked both men and women their ideal duration for intercourse, the answer was around 13 to 18 minutes. Sex therapists consider 7 to 13 minutes completely adequate. Focusing on lasting longer often backfires by creating performance anxiety.
What actually makes a man good in bed? Attention. Desire and orgasm happen in the connection between two people who feel safe and present with each other — not through performance, size, or stamina. Getting out of your own head and paying attention to your partner is the single most effective thing you can do.
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