By Annette Benedetti, sex educator, intimacy coach, and host of the Talk Sex with Annette podcast
Every woman has one: the lover she still thinks about. The way he kissed her, the way he took his time, the way he looked at her like she was the only thing in the room. She’s probably never going to tell you what he actually did differently, so I will. I asked women what the best lover they ever had really did, then checked their answers against the research, and they lined up almost every time. This is what makes a man good in bed, and not one thing on this list is about size, stamina, or some move from porn. Every single one is a skill, which means any man can learn it.
The 10 things, at a glance: He takes his time. He kisses like it’s the main event. He’s got a dirty mouth. He starts building desire at 2 p.m. He can’t get enough of her. He smells like trouble. He asks about her fantasies, then leads. He laughs in bed. He actually listens. He makes her feel safe enough to let go.
Watch my video.
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Table of Contents
1. He’s Got All Night (It’s Not About Lasting Longer)
The best lover she ever had was never in a hurry, and the research backs why that matters. When sex therapists were asked how long intercourse itself should last, they rated seven to 13 minutes as “desirable” and 10 to 30 minutes as “too long” (Corty & Guardiani, Journal of Sexual Medicine). So the point was never marathon intercourse. The best nights last hours because intercourse is just one part of them, not the finish line.
And those hours aren’t a straight line. He undresses her slowly and touches every part he uncovers. He spends real time on her clitoris, with fingers and mouth, because he knows most women don’t reliably orgasm from intercourse alone (in the largest study of its kind, only about a third of women said they usually or always orgasm from vaginal sex by itself). He uses lube like it’s part of the fun. He might add a toy externally while his mouth is somewhere else. Then they take a break, a shower, a square of dark chocolate, a glass of wine, and start again, except now she’s already halfway there. A study of over 52,000 people found that women who orgasm most often have longer encounters measured from the first kiss to the end, not just more thrusting.
2. He Kisses Like It’s the Main Event
Women don’t remember the guy with all the moves, they remember the kiss. He starts soft, barely touching, and lets her come to him. He holds her face, a hand on her jaw or fingers in the hair at the back of her neck, and he holds, he doesn’t pull. He waits until she opens up, then matches her. He kisses her like that when nothing else is happening, in the kitchen, before work, with no expectation attached.
Here’s the move: she walks past you, you put a hand on her lower back, pull her close, and really kiss her, deep and slow, like you’ve been thinking about it all day. Then you let her go and get back to what you were doing. Don’t turn it into sex. She’ll think about that kiss all night. (Watch her body first, some women melt into being held, some stiffen, follow what she tells you.) When every kiss is a down payment on sex, she starts dodging kisses. When a kiss is just a kiss, she leans in.
3. He’s Got a Dirty Mouth
What she remembers is what he sounded like, his breath in her ear, his voice low and slow saying her name. Research on voice and attraction suggests women tend to rate men’s voices as more attractive when the pitch is slightly lowered, not forced deep, just a little under your everyday voice.
Then there’s sound. When a man is silent, she’s guessing, and a woman who’s guessing is in her head, not her body. Research links communicating pleasure during sex to satisfaction, with nonverbal cues (breathing, moaning, how you move) mattering as much as words. So let it out. For words, start by narrating what you feel and want: “You’re so wet for me,” “I’ve been thinking about this all day.” And praise lands hard for a lot of women, “just like that,” “you’re so beautiful when you come.” Ask what she likes hearing first, because some women love “good girl” and some will throw you off the bed for it. Read my Guide to How to Talk Dirty to a Woman: Turn Her On With Words Alone
4. He Starts at 2 p.m.
The best lover she ever had didn’t wait for the mood, he built it all day. Here’s what men get wrong: they start from zero at 10 p.m. when she’s exhausted and still thinking about work, then wonder why she’s not in the mood. In the 52,000-person study, building anticipation during the day, a call, a message, a little promise, was more common among women who orgasm more often.
What it looks like: a real kiss before he leaves in the morning. A midday text that’s a promise, not a request, “Still thinking about the sound you made last night,” or “Don’t touch yourself today, that’s mine.” (That last one’s a little power play, if she’s into it.) Then in the evening he doesn’t pounce, he hands her a drink, asks about her day, and touches her lower back every time he passes. By the time anything happens, she’s been thinking about him since breakfast. A request adds to her to-do list; a promise puts you in her head all day.
5. He Can’t Get Enough of Her
She can tell the difference between a man pleasing her because he thinks he has to and one who simply can’t get enough of her, and the best lover is always the second. Researchers call the underlying trait “sexual communal strength,” wanting to meet your partner’s needs because you want to, and people high in it keep desire alive over time. But there’s a twist: studies find that people who meet their partner’s needs while completely ignoring their own don’t get that benefit, and their partners report more distress. She doesn’t want a servant. She wants a man who wants her. Selfless isn’t sexy. Generous is.
What it looks like: when he goes down on her, he’s enjoying her, her taste, her sounds, the way her thighs tighten, and he moans into her so she feels it. He’s in no rush because he likes being there. And he tells her what he wants, “I want you on top,” “sit on my face”, because his wanting is part of what turns her on. Read: How to Edge Her With Your Hands: 5 Moves That Turn One Orgasm Into the Most Intense of Her Life
6. He Smells Like Trouble
Women say scent matters more than looks, and the research leans that way, in surveys of attraction, women often rank a man’s scent at or above his appearance. Fragrance isn’t cheating either: in one experiment, women watching silent videos of men rated the ones secretly wearing fragrance as more attractive, they couldn’t even smell them, because the fragrance made the men carry themselves with more confidence.
So here’s the full self-care list women ask for: one cologne she loves, two sprays not six, on your neck and chest. Fresh breath, brush, floss, gum, you can’t kiss like the main event with morning breath. Clean clothes that fit, ideally something she’s complimented. Short, smooth nails, because if your fingers are headed inside her, jagged nails make her brace instead of relax. Well-groomed and trimmed where her face is going (not shaved too short, prickly causes road rash). And the big one: clean sheets. You can do everything right and lose her the second her face hits a pillowcase that smells like three weeks of sleep. She’ll forgive a lot. She won’t forgive the sheets.
7. He Asks About Her Fantasies, Then Leads
The best lover asked about her fantasies and didn’t flinch, then did something even better: he took the lead. Research on fantasy (studies of over 1,500 adults) finds a large share of women have fantasized about being dominated, but many of them wouldn’t actually want it acted out in reality. So you don’t guess, you ask, then you lead only with what she said yes to.
The order that works: ask somewhere safe, after sex, lights off, her head on your chest. “What’s something you’ve thought about but never told anyone?” Then the only words out of your mouth are “tell me more.” No laughing, no “really?”, no making it about you. In the 52,000-person study, women who orgasm most often were more likely to act out fantasies, and someone has to say it out loud first without making a face. Then you lead, because a lot of women are tired of deciding everything and want him to take charge in bed. That’s not taking over, it’s giving her what she already told you she wants. Leading is only hot because you asked first. Read: How to Explore Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner (and Reignite a Dead Bedroom)
8. He Laughs in Bed
The best nights have laughing in them. One research team spent years studying people who have what they call “magnificent sex,” and over and over, people described it as fun, playful, and adventurous, losing your inhibitions was one of the core ingredients. What kills that is taking it so seriously that one awkward moment ends the night. So when they bump heads, he kisses the spot. A queef happens, he grins and keeps going. A position goes sideways and they end up in a heap, laughing. A relaxed woman has a far easier time coming, and play is also the backdoor into every fantasy she was too shy to name.
9. He Actually Listens
Her desire for you might not start in the bedroom, it might start at dinner. Researchers ran studies on “responsiveness,” and found that when partners felt listened to, understood, and valued, desire went up, and it went up more for women than for men. When you really listen, she feels special, and that makes you a man she wants. So when she tells you about her day, ask one follow-up question before you try to fix anything. It’s the same skill in bed: his phone is face down at dinner, and under the sheets he notices her breath change, notices when she goes quiet in a good way versus a bad way, and adjusts before she has to say a word.
10. He Makes Her Feel Safe Enough to Let Go
This is the one that makes all the others possible. She’s not hard to turn on, you’re just hitting her brakes. Sex researchers use the “dual control model”: desire runs on an accelerator (everything that turns her on) and brakes (stress, feeling judged, worrying how she looks, not knowing what’s coming). Most men spend all their energy on the gas, but for a lot of women the gas was never the problem, the brakes are on. The best lover takes his foot off her brakes.
What safe looks like: he locks the door so she’s not listening for kids. He tells her she’s beautiful before the clothes come off, not after. He says “the second you want to stop, we stop,” and means it every time. If they’re playing with anything kinky, they have a safe word (red means stop, yellow means slow). And after, he stays, holds her, brings her water, tells her how good it was, in kink that’s called aftercare, but everyone deserves it. The “magnificent sex” research found the number one ingredient was being fully present, with trust and surrender right beside it, and nobody surrenders to someone they don’t trust. Safety isn’t the opposite of hot. Safety is what makes hot possible.
So Here’s the Man She Still Thinks About
He’s got all night (with breaks, chocolate, a drink). He kisses like it’s the main event, because it is. He’s got a dirty mouth and a low voice. Sex starts at 2 p.m. with a text. He can’t get enough of her and lets her know. He smells like trouble. He asks, then leads. He laughs in bed, he actually listens, and he makes her feel safe enough to let go. Notice what’s not on the list: size, lasting forever, going harder, or some move from porn. Every one of these is a skill. Pick one, learn it, and try it tonight.
Frequently Asked Questions
What actually makes a man good in bed?
According to women and research, it’s skills, not size or stamina: taking his time, kissing well, using his voice and words, building desire all day, genuinely wanting his partner, good hygiene, asking about and leading fantasies, laughing, listening, and making her feel safe enough to let go. Every one of these is learnable.
Does lasting longer make you better in bed?
No. Sex therapists rate seven to 13 minutes of intercourse as “desirable” and 10 to 30 minutes as “too long.” What actually predicts a partner’s satisfaction and orgasm is the whole encounter, kissing, hands, and oral, not how long intercourse itself lasts.
What do women find most attractive in bed?
Research and women’s own answers point to the same things: a partner who’s present, generous (not servile), communicative, and who makes them feel safe. Scent, genuine desire, and attentiveness consistently rank higher than looks, size, or stamina.
Why can’t she orgasm from intercourse alone?
Because most women’s orgasms rely on clitoral stimulation. In the largest study of its kind, only about a third of women said they usually or always orgasm from vaginal sex by itself, which is why oral, hands, and toys matter so much.
How do you build desire in a woman during the day?
Send a promise, not a request, a text or call that puts a specific, charged moment in her head (“still thinking about last night”). Research found that building anticipation during the day was more common among women who orgasm more often. Then don’t pounce in the evening, build slowly.
What’s the most important thing for great sex?
Safety. Researchers who studied “magnificent sex” found being fully present, with trust and surrender, was the top ingredient, and nobody surrenders to someone they don’t trust. Removing what shuts her down (her “brakes”) matters more than piling on turn-ons.
