Types of BDSM Play Every Beginner Should Try First

By Annette Benedetti, sex educator, intimacy coach, and host of the Talk Sex with Annette podcast

If you’re curious about BDSM for beginners but have no idea where to start, you’re exactly who this is for. Starting kink doesn’t mean whips and dungeons on day one. It means starting small, staying safe, and figuring out what actually turns you on.

I brought in my resident dominatrix Lucy to walk through ten beginner-friendly types of play, roughly ordered from gentlest to more advanced. Try them in order, or cherry-pick the ones that spark something. Every one is a doorway, and you never have to walk through more than feels good. One rule applies to all ten: nothing here happens without a conversation and consent. That’s not the boring part before the fun, it’s part of what makes this hot.

Listen to this episode below: You can also listen on Apple and Spotify podcast.

1. Fill Out a BDSM Contract Together

Before anything physical, sit down with a yes/no/maybe list, sometimes called a BDSM contract. You each go through a list of activities marking what’s a yes, a no, or a maybe, then swap and talk it through.

This does two things. It shows you options you’d never have thought of, and the conversation itself is genuinely hot, it’s sex talk. When something’s a hard no, advocate for yourself clearly and kindly. When something surprises you on their list, don’t yuck their yum. And revisit it down the line, because today’s hard no can become next year’s maybe. Watching that evolve together is part of the fun.

Want a ready-made one? Grab my BDSM Yes/No/Maybe Checklist to fill out together.

2. Pre-Negotiate Language and Honorifics

Decide ahead of time what you want to be called. Honorifics like Madam, Master, Sir, Daddy, or Mistress set the power dynamic. Degrading or dirty talk (good girl, slut, and stronger) is its own category some people love and others hate.

The key word is pre-negotiate. Test words in low-stakes moments, during vanilla sex, before you’re deep in a scene, so you learn what lands. What you absolutely don’t do is spring a degrading name on someone mid-moment without agreement. Nothing kills the mood faster than a name you never okayed. Talk first, then play.

3. Explore Sensation Play

This is the gentlest place to start, and the most misunderstood. Sensation play isn’t about pain, it’s about discovering what kind of touch lights you or your partner up. You’ll often surprise yourself about what actually gets you going.

Blindfold your partner so they’re focused entirely on feeling, then explore. A soft head-scratcher, feathers, silk, fur, fingernails, ice cubes, a warm massage candle dripped at a comfortable temperature. Start soft, always. A Wartenberg wheel (a little spiked wheel that looks like a pizza cutter) adds a light pokey sensation once you’re ready to explore the edge between sensual and pain.

Try these:

4. Try Collaring

A collar is a simple, powerful way into dominant/submissive dynamics. Putting a collar on a submissive, sometimes with a leash, signals ownership and control.

You don’t have to start with a heavy leather-and-leash setup. A soft velvet strap works, or a discreet piece of collar jewelry with a locking clasp your partner holds the key to. Wearing something like that out in public, where only the two of you know what it means, can be its own quiet rush. Safety note: any collar should be loose enough that it can’t accidentally choke, and never leave someone restrained by the neck unattended.

5. Play With Outfits and Role Play

Once you’re collared, an outfit takes it further. This can be lingerie, a corset, fishnets, latex, or nothing but a temporary “fucktoy” or “mistress” tattoo. It can also be a scenario: the submissive waiting on their knees when you get home, a naked apron and domestic chore play, a strict teacher making someone write lines.

If you’re new to role play, keep the first outfits cheap and easy, most of us already own fishnets or an apron. The point isn’t a perfect costume, it’s stepping into a role and seeing how it feels.

6. Introduce Restraints

Restraints are where a lot of beginners want to go, and the trick is doing it safely. Start with something quick-release: Velcro cuffs come off instantly, which helps a nervous partner feel safe. Skip metal handcuffs, they pinch and need a key.

Self-adhesive bondage tape (the kind that sticks to itself, not to skin) is a great beginner tool, cheap, reusable, and easy to cut off. Silk scarves, ties, and belts all work too. Rope is more advanced, especially anything decorative or tied to a fixture, so save it for later. And the golden rule of all restraint play: always keep safety scissors within reach.

7. Dip Into Chastity Play

You don’t need a cage to try chastity. Start with a verbal, honor-based version: your partner can pleasure you, but their own genitals are off limits, they have to use hands, mouth, or a toy instead. If they follow the rules all night, release is the reward.

It’s a low-stakes way to feel out what handing over that control is like. When you’re ready to go further, a non-locking silicone cage is the gentle next step. For the full breakdown, see my How to Try Male Chastity guide and my chastity buying guide.

8. Experiment With Voyeurism

Voyeurism is watching or being watched. An easy entry: have your partner touch themselves while you watch, and notice which side of it turns you on. From there it can grow, a video call while you’re apart, a sex club with viewing rooms, whatever fits your comfort.

It also pairs beautifully with the dom/sub dynamic. Being ordered to show yourself, or to touch yourself on command while your partner watches and directs without touching, is its own kind of charge.

9. Explore Butt Stuff

Anal play shows up all over BDSM, and plenty of “vanilla” people already enjoy it. Start with a finger, graduate to a small, soft plug, and let lube be your best friend, it’s non-negotiable for comfort and safety. I have a full guide on anal training for beginners to walk you through how to have the best first experience possible.

Glass plugs are great if you like temperature play, since they hold hot or cold. Build up gradually in size, and if pegging is where you’re headed, I’ve got a whole intro to that too. See my guide to pegging for beginners when you’re ready.

10. Start Spanking and Impact Play

Impact play is more varied than people think, a hand, a wooden spoon, a flogger, and a paddle all feel completely different. Start with your open hand so you learn how it lands, then explore tools.

The golden rule: start at a one, not a hundred. Build up slowly and watch your partner’s response to find the level where a little pain becomes pleasure. Softer floggers and the flat side of a paddle are gentle starting points; spiked or ridged sides are for later. Keep strikes to safe areas like the butt and thighs, and avoid the lower back and kidneys. And keep stimulating your partner throughout, it’s the mix of pleasure and sensation that makes impact play work, not the pain alone.

How to Start BDSM Safely

A few rules that apply to everything above:

• Consent and negotiation first, every time. Agree on what’s happening before clothes come off.
• Use a safe word. Pick one, and honor it instantly, no exceptions.
• Start soft and build. This goes for impact, sensation, restraints, all of it.
• Keep safety scissors nearby whenever restraints are involved.
• Never restrain someone by the neck or leave a restrained partner unattended.
• Aftercare matters. Check in afterward, offer water and warmth, and talk about what worked.

Keep Learning

How To Try Chastity: Your 101 Guide

Intro to Pegging: How to Have the Best First Experience

Intro to Spanking: How to Spank Her Right

Frequently Asked Questions

How do you start BDSM as a beginner?
Start with a conversation, not gear. Use a yes/no/maybe list to find what interests you both, agree on a safe word, and begin with the gentlest forms of play like sensation play. Build up slowly from there.

What is the easiest type of BDSM to try first?
Sensation play is the gentlest entry point, exploring different textures and touches, often with a blindfold. It requires no special skill and helps you learn what you enjoy before moving to restraints or impact.

What do beginners need for BDSM?
Very little to start: a blindfold, maybe some soft restraints or bondage tape, and safety scissors. Most beginner play uses things you already own. Add gear as you discover what you like.

Is BDSM safe for beginners?
Yes, when you follow the basics: negotiate and consent first, use a safe word, start soft, keep safety scissors handy for restraints, and never restrain anyone by the neck. Aftercare rounds it out.

What is a BDSM contract?
It’s a yes/no/maybe list where partners mark which activities they want, won’t do, or might try. It’s a communication tool, not a legal document, and filling it out together is a great, low-pressure way to start.

Do I need expensive gear to try BDSM?
No. Fishnets, an apron, silk scarves, belts, ice cubes, and a wooden spoon cover a lot of beginner play. Cheap, reusable items like bondage tape and Velcro cuffs handle the rest.