By Annette Benedetti, sex educator, intimacy coach, and host of the Talk Sex with Annette podcast
Here’s something that surprises most people: what gets you off probably isn’t nearly as rare as you think. As a sex educator, the question I hear most is some version of “is this normal?”, and the research answer is almost always yes. From the mild to the wild, these are the 10 most common kinks, backed by real studies (including sex researcher Justin Lehmiller’s survey of 4,175 Americans, the largest of its kind), so you can see exactly how much company you’re in. Whether you’re into BDSM or balloons, foot fetishes or furries, the odds are good you’re more normal than you realized.
Watch my full video below:
Listen to the full guide. Â You can also listen on Apple and Spotify podcast.
Table of Contents
What Counts as a Kink?
A kink is any sexual interest, activity, or fantasy that falls outside “conventional” sex, and the range is enormous, from light bondage to niche fetishes. Having one (or several) is extremely common, and when explored consensually, research associates it with good mental and physical health. One quick distinction people ask about: a kink is any interest outside vanilla sex, while a fetish is more specific, arousal strongly tied to a particular object or body part. All fetishes are kinks, but not all kinks are fetishes. The list below runs roughly from most to least common.
1. BDSM (the Most Common Kink)
The most common kink, and it’s not close. BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism, or any combination, and at its core it’s about trust, control, and play. It’s far more common than most people assume: peer-reviewed reviews find that 40 to 70 percent of adults report BDSM-related fantasies, and in Justin Lehmiller’s survey of 4,175 Americans, about 75 percent had fantasized about being tied up. There’s encouraging research on wellbeing, too, a 2013 study found BDSM practitioners scored as well as or better than non-practitioners on several measures of psychological health. All that negotiated communication and those safe words may be paying off.
Listen to my full how-to episode on BDSM below. You can also listen on Apple and Spotify podcast.
2. Foot Fetish (the Most Common Body-Part Fetish)
A foot fetish, podophilia, is sexual attraction to feet, and it’s the most common body-focused fetish there is. In Lehmiller’s research, about 1 in 7 people (roughly 14 percent) have had a foot-related sexual fantasy at least once, more often men than women. There’s even a popular neuroscience explanation: on the brain’s sensory map, the regions for the feet and the genitals sit right next to each other, which some researchers think may help explain why the two can cross wires.
3. Cuckolding (Being Aroused by Watching Your Partner)
One of the most taboo but surprisingly common kinks, and one my listeners ask about constantly. Cuckolding is being aroused by watching (or imagining) your partner with someone else. A significant share of people report fantasizing about some version of it, more men than women. And here’s the counterintuitive part: several studies suggest that, done consensually and with communication, it can actually deepen trust between partners rather than damage it. The green-eyed monster isn’t always what we assume.
Listen to my full podcast interview on cuckolding with psychotherapist and sex therapist Dulcinea Alex Pitagora below. You can also listen on Apple and Spotify podcast.:
4. Exhibitionism (Being Watched)
Consensual exhibitionism is enjoying being watched during sex or sexual play. In Lehmiller’s data, about 42 percent of people have fantasized about being watched (and 60 percent about watching others, voyeurism). It’s reported somewhat more often by men. One important note: this means consensual exhibitionism between adults, flashing or exposing yourself to people who haven’t consented is a crime, not a kink, and a completely different thing.
Listen to my full episode on Exhibitionism below. You can also listen on Apple and Spotify podcast.
5. Furries
The furry community is one of the most misunderstood groups out there. Furries are people interested in anthropomorphic animal characters, and for most of the community it’s far more about creativity, fantasy, role-play, and belonging than about sex, surveys consistently find that only a minority are in it primarily for sexual reasons. Think Comic-Con with an animal twist, a fandom first, a kink second (if at all).
6. Sploshing (Wet & Messy Play)
Sploshing is wet-and-messy play: covering yourself or a partner in food or other messy substances, whipped cream, syrup, Jell-O, you name it. It’s a form of sensory play, and it taps into touch, temperature, and texture in a primal, playful way. For a lot of people the appeal is exactly that permission to make a mess and get out of your head. Sometimes playing with your food is the whole point.
7. Sensory Deprivation
A sensory-deprivation kink uses blindfolds, earplugs, hoods, or restraints to take away one sense so the others light up. Remove sight, and touch becomes electric. It’s one of the easiest ways to make familiar sensation feel brand new, which is why it shows up in so much play, from vanilla to advanced. Dialing down one input can heighten the brain’s response to the others, intensifying pleasure and anticipation.
8. Medical Play
Medical play is role-play built around exams or procedures, but it’s far more about power, vulnerability, and care than about actually “playing doctor.” For many people the appeal is the chance to safely hand over control and feel completely taken care of in an intimate, structured setting. Like a lot of role-play, the costume is just the doorway, the real draw is the dynamic.
9. Age Play
Age play is consensual role-play between adults in which one or both partners step into a younger headspace or a nurturing, caregiver role. To be completely clear: this is between consenting adults and has nothing to do with children. For many people it isn’t even sexual, it’s about regressing to a carefree, pressure-free frame of mind, or stepping into a caregiving role, which can be especially meaningful for people who haven’t had that outlet elsewhere. Couples often report feeling closer afterward, because it opens up a new kind of vulnerability and trust. Listen to the full episode on this with an expert, linked below. You can also listen on Apple and Spotify podcast.
10. Balloon Fetish (Looners)
Rounding out the list: looners, people who are genuinely aroused by balloons. For some the thrill is in blowing them up; for others it’s the suspense of the pop. A lot of the appeal seems to come down to anticipation and unpredictability, the same tension-and-release that powers plenty of other kinks. With billions of people on Earth, it’s a nice reminder that there really is a kink for everyone.
Are Kinks Normal? (Yes, Really)
Kinks are diverse, quirky, and far more common than most people realize, and your desires are as unique as you are. The research keeps pointing the same direction: having kinks is normal, and exploring them in a healthy, consensual way is good for your mental and physical wellbeing. So whether you’re into BDSM or balloons, foot fetishes or furries, you’re not alone, and there’s probably a study explaining why you’re wired the way you are.
If you want to explore your own kinks, figure out what to do with them, or bring them to a partner, my intimacy coaching books are open. Learn more at talksexwithannette.com, and if you want a no-pressure place to start, fill out my yes/no/maybe list with a partner first.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the most common kink?
BDSM, covering bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism, is consistently the most common. Peer-reviewed research finds 40 to 70 percent of adults report BDSM-related fantasies, and about 75 percent have fantasized about being tied up, per Justin Lehmiller’s survey of 4,175 Americans.
Are kinks normal?
Yes. Having kinks is very common, and exploring them consensually is associated with good mental and physical health. The range of human desire is enormous, and being drawn to something outside “vanilla” sex is the norm, not the exception.
What’s the difference between a kink and a fetish?
A kink is any sexual interest outside conventional sex. A fetish is more specific, arousal strongly tied to a particular object or body part, like feet or balloons. All fetishes are kinks, but not all kinks are fetishes.
What are the most common kinks for men vs. women?
Research finds a lot of overlap, but some differences in degree. Men more often report fantasies like voyeurism, exhibitionism, and foot interest, while studies have found women report slightly higher interest in some submission and masochism fantasies. Both are far more common across genders than most people assume.
How do I explore a kink safely?
Start with communication and consent: talk about it with your partner before you try it, agree on boundaries and a safe word, start slow, and plan aftercare. Filling out a yes/no/maybe list together is a great first step.
How do I tell my partner about my kink?
Bring it up outside the bedroom, when you’re both relaxed, and lead with curiosity rather than pressure. Frame it as something you’d like to explore together, and give them room to react and ask questions without judgment.
Keep Exploring
The Best Kink & BDSM Toys for Beginners (Your Cuffing Season Kit)
Yes/No/Maybe List: 107 BDSM Kinks and Limits to Rate With Your Partner
BDSM Checklist: What It Is, Why You Need One, and How to Use It
How to Bring a Dom/Sub Dynamic Into Your Relationship: Everyday Rituals That Build Power Exchange
